Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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