I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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