I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
