Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
