running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
