Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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