just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
