I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
