My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
