My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
