we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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