I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
