my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
