i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
