I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
