i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
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my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize