i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
