I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
