i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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