I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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