I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
