dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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