Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
