wakey wakey hands off snakey
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
