Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
