She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
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No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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