Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
