1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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