i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Randomize
