I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
