If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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