I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
