Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
