he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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