my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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