so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
