When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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