I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
