I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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