Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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