The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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