I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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