After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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