Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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