I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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