Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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