he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
