I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
