I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
