yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
