oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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