why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
