Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
