Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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